Met a lovely elderly patient while doing my rounds at the hospital. She was demented and had frequent falls. Having been on blood thinners she ended up with a head bleed and was now worse off in her medical conditions and stability requiring my cardiology services. But the story was more about my interaction with the adult daughters.

 

I came over and sat next to them. I spoke to both daughters clearly. Explained the risks and goals of care. The plan was laid out without ambiguity. One began to cry, the other held her composure but was breaking inside. Their mother could no longer go home. If she was to leave the hospital given her numerous complications and co-morbid conditions, she should have to goto a nursing home. Having just lost their father in a similar facility and knowing the general quality of care and spiral downward with one parent, they feared the worst with their mother.

 

I gently brought their attention to the reality as it was, not as they wanted it to be. I acknowledged their pain, their heart break. They were having difficulty letting go of the version of their mom who prior to this was independent and living at home. They felt the guilt and shame of considering a skilled nursing facility versus the comfort of their mother’s home. They felt they were betraying her. But more they felt they were betraying themselves.

 

“ I know this pain, I have felt it. You feel that you are betraying her, but more you cannot deal with the betrayal of the version of yourself prior to this moment. You are not abandoning her, you are giving her the hope of survival in a facility with the talents that you cannot duplicate at home, risking her life further”.

 

The tears flowed, tissues were grasped and heads bowed with admissions and resignation.

 

“ Are you a cardiologist or a spiritual healer ?” One daughter asked. “ How did you figure me out so quickly, we just met? I am going to need to talk to you more to help myself” the other daughter chimed in.

 

“ A bit of both”, I replied. “ a holistic cardiologist if you will”, I smiled.

 

The conversation continued with more reassurances and explanation. All too often when we make decisions we compare them to fantasies that we create in our mind. They wanted her to become all better and come home. This was not possible. Anything short of this fantasy was a guilty betrayal. Or so their minds thought. I explained that the further the gap between their fantasy and the current reality the greater the chance of depression and emotional havoc.

 

“ Stay present” I said. “ That prior time space when mom was relatively ok has come and gone, we are now living in a different timeline and reality and this is the one that we can make changes to, only if we accept it wholeheartedly”.

 

More tears and further acceptance. They both became grounded with the present moment. Their bodies softened and their hearts slowly came into coherence with each other as they realized their emotions were giving them feedback.

 

“ Take a few breaths, and feel reality as it is”. I instructed.

 

All 3 of us did just that. This was a learning moment for me as well about understanding and accepting the present as the only moment that I can influence or even just be observant and stand witness to it unfolding, without judgment.

 

“ Your mom is facing a tough battle even though locked in her mind. You are facing the similar battle on the outside. Mom to daughter and daughter to mom” I gestured back and forth with my open hand.

 

“ It is time for you both to heal together, hold your mom’s hand and let her know you are there and she is will receive whatever care she needs in whatever form she needs it in, and you are there for her, with love and support.”

 

Silence. Both sisters took all this in. When they had no more questions, I slowly got up from my chair and gently bowed, excused myself and began to take my leave.

 

“ You were just what we needed today. We have been so lost in this ICU with all the doctors and nurses coming in and out, and no one telling us the truth, just medical jargon and talking at us not to us” one daughter mentioned.

 

“If you need me I am around , have the nurse call me.” I gave them a big smile and left.

 

Time and time again I find myself in these situations where the care and healing is not explainable , quantifiable or rigid. It is a feeling, it is a transmission, it is energetic. The healer and the “healee” ( I made that word up), come together for whatever is needed. I sometimes get lost as to who is healing whom, but it usually ends in tears and gratitude, myself included, I am not ashamed to admit that.

 

We live our lives filled with injected values, judgments, guilts and shames. We live with mind born fantasies and nightmares of scenarios of other timelines yet forget to live fully in the present, where there is no fantasy, guilt, shame or judgment. Just love.

 

Just be present and gentler towards yourself, and a little kinder to others. We do not know what someone else is going through, but rest assured their despair could be the same as what you are facing. Together we face it better and clear it up faster, for in the end, none of us are alone.

…………..

 

I love you